Truth is…..Boyz II Men could have been on repeat in the background of my life: “Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let go….it’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you…” That man had already walked down the road, turned the corner and caught the bus (figuratively) but I was still adjusting to the fact that he was REALLY gone and that now, I was left alone, with nothing but my own pain, hurt and fear of walking this road alone. I couldn’t believe he had moved on while I was carrying this little life that was a part of him….a part of “us”. Then of course, the questions began, the self-accusations that we tend to go through searching for a valid reason to be over: What did I do wrong? He said he loved me, is this what love feels like – in the movies, don’t they always break up and get back together just when you think there’s no hope? WHY ME?!!
Circling back - remember that in the midst of letting go of him, I also had to let go of my favorite aunt. She had lost her battle with cancer, in the same month as my birthday, and now I had the audacity to question God!! Why did you take her? You won’t even allow my child to meet her? Why are you doing this to me? Why were the important people (or so I thought HE was important) taken from my life! (Hindsight…. I can’t believe it either). The evening that my aunt passed, I just KNEW that the Lord had heard my cries!! My son’s father came over to support me through my grief and offer comfort in my time of need, and of course, I took that and RAN WITH IT, thinking that things were all the way back on track. The day of my aunt’s homegoing service came and we were right back at it, arguing again! The service came…….and went….and he was a “no show”. No support, no call, no text to say “be strong today”, NOTHING!! I felt like this could have been avoided, but due to an altercation that almost happened at the nail shop earlier with one of his family members, we were destined to get into it.
Remember that “Angry Pregnant Woman”? She came back – with a vengeance. If he couldn’t be there for me when I really needed him during the funeral, then he didn’t need to be there when I really needed him during the delivery!! After the funeral, I found him to tell him everything he was (except a child of God) and let him know, without a doubt, he didn’t need to be in the delivery room. My purpose was to hurt him, the way he’d hurt me, expecting him to know how it felt to be crushed by someone you love. Of course, he’d never show it or let it be known to me, but I fired my words at him just the same, hoping to cut him to the core. Over the last few months of my pregnancy, things continued to cycle between GOOD and EVIL! He agreed to bring over some food one night (good) but then I was met with 2 tacos literally thrown in my direction (EVIL!). He brought me a birthday card (good), but then continued to place other’s feelings before mine and make me wonder if he even considered how I felt (EVIL!).
My support system was really pulling out all the stops to try and make me happy BUT this girl was not having it!...Now it was Delivery time!!!!! Today's Blog is Dedicated to My Favorite Aunt that I miss so much! GLADYS M. JEFFERSON!!!!
Awesome
ReplyDelete